I dropped off Gadget Girl this morning at Mother’s Day Out, and had to stop to fuel up because the “Fuel Low” indicator will not go off no matter how many times I swear at it. It’s almost like a game of roulette these days when it comes to filling up. $50 or maybe $75, who knows? Well, imagine my surprise when the pump stopped exactly at $60. The semi-laugh I muttered at how cool that was was almost enough to make me forget about about how I just got raped at the pump. At 20 mpg, that $60 lasts me just under 7 hours of driving time. What a freakin’ deal. I seriously need to dump this vehicle.
As I drove home, I passed a facility that I interviewed with as a senior in college. I wanted so desperately to work there, and they didn’t hire me. I remember that the plant manager was new, and he took me to eat at the country club. Everything was so fancy, and I felt like I was able to become a part of a world I had never known yet always wanted to be a part of. I realize now that country club dinners are probably more a part of his world than his worker bees, but I had eyes as big as pie plates back then.
I’ve been a WAHM now for almost a year now, and I’m not sure if it’s for me. I like staying home with my daughter, but I relish the two days a week that I get to myself. Wait, maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I just like the idea of staying home with my daughter.
I knew that if I stayed home that we would have to cut back. I think that this house we’re building has almost turned into a monster that I can’t control. I have no idea how we’re going to stay within the budget we created for it. We also didn’t realize that SpyDad commuting an hour to work each way was going to cost us about $1000/month in fuel. That’s a tough pill to swallow.
So, as I passed the facility today, I thought, “What if they just had a secretary job, anything, hell I don’t even care anymore?” I just checked their website, and they have one job listed. It’s a job similar to what I worked for four years, and a job I enjoyed. They didn’t give me enough to do back then, I realize, so I started a blog and screwed off a lot during the day. I still feel a little guilty about it. This job requirement has all of my former duties plus the duties I was hoping they would have given to me at my old job. I’m somewhat qualified for it, and I’m thinking about applying.
The problem is that SpyDad wants me to stay home. I’m just not really sure that I want to stay home. Crap, why do I do this to myself?
April 3, 2008 at 11:22 am
Ooooo tough one. I think I know how you feel. When I was growing up and even in college, I was sure that someday I would become a SAHM. After all, my mom did it well, and I didn’t want someone other than me “raising” my kids. Right? Plus Mike says that’s part of what attracted him to me, the fact that I wanted nothing more in life than to be a mom and raise my kids with great values.
Fast forward a bunch of years and here I am realizing that being a SAHM would probably leave me depressed, resentful and insane. Or at least braindead. Fortunately I’ve got a nice part time work at home arrangement. I’m blessed. But there are days I look forward to Alex being in daycare, at least some of the time. And then I feel guilty for wanting to foist my kid off on someone else, when I know Mike really really wants me to make my family top priority, even at the expense of my career.
If I were you, I would TRY to explain to him exactly how you feel, and why going back to work might make you a better wife and mother. And pray like hell for the answer.
April 3, 2008 at 11:49 am
Get SpyDad to take a week off and stay home by himself with Gadget Girl. Maybe two weeks. Then talk to him about it. He may still want you to stay home, but he may be more open to the alternative. I’m only half-joking!
I think regardless of what you do, the grass is always at least a little bit greener on the other side.
April 3, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Wow, that IS a tough spot to be in. I always think that a perfect situation would be to work part-time and be home part-time. However, when you have little ones, any $$$ you earn from a part-time job goes to daycare, so, financially, it’s a wash. However, if it saves your sanity, it may be worth it. I understand Spy Dad’s position, but if you’re not happy with this part of your life, it’s going to trickle down into other areas as well. It seems to me that the job posting you saw isn’t just “coincidence.” But like Sharkey said, the grass does seem greener sometimes, doesn’t it?
April 4, 2008 at 2:41 pm
My thought is that it never hurts to apply. If they don’t give you the job, then at least you tried and will have no regrets. And if they offer you a job, you can determine just how excited you are about it and if it’s worth it or not to stop being a WAHM.
April 4, 2008 at 3:51 pm
MM – Somehow I never really thought about kids in high school or college. I wanted to be successful. When I was finally in the corporate world, I found out that I didn’t have the speaking skills or the suck up skills to do it. I do think I need to talk to him. Not sure how, though…
Sharkey – SpyDad would probably love to stay home with her. That’s why I’m thinking he won’t understand. I do kind of feel like a cow trapped on the wrong side of the fence sometimes.
CB – You are exactly right. It would not be worth it to go back and just break even. My photography business is a little profitable when I don’t spend it all on props and equipment right away. I’ve pretty much put the kibosh on that until I’m back in the black. Mother’s day out saved my sanity. But is it enough? I hate not bringing in income. I feel a little guilty when it’s not my money I’m spending. I thought the same thing about it not being such a coincidence. I just need to pray about it some more. Munch, munch.
Kalki – I’ve been thinking about that, too. Some companies are required to post jobs even if they already have an internal or external candidate in mind. It’s great not actually being desperate for a job this time around because I was just laid off. If only my photography business was making more. I still enjoy it, but I just raised my prices, and I’m getting some flack from former and potential clients. Oh well.
April 4, 2008 at 4:55 pm
I’m with Kalki, it never hurts to apply, and see what happens. It’s my (humble, non-parent) opinion that if you would rather not stay at home, it doesn’t do any good for anyone (you, your child, your marriage) for you to stay home. Your daughter will have a better environment if she has a mother who is happy, well-adjusted, and fulfilled. Hopefully SpyDad will understand that. Fingers are crossed for things to work out in a good way, whatever that is.
April 7, 2008 at 6:27 am
I would apply and see if the job pays well enough to make the decision for you.
April 7, 2008 at 1:36 pm
Isn’t it funny? I had no interest in being a “success”. I just wanted to be a mom. Then I had a taste of success, and to this day I am unwilling to give it all up to stay home. I make some sacrifices, even some for my unambitious husband’s career, but I hang on for dear life to the reputation in my industry I have built. It’s pathetic really.
Plus I think you could get the speaking skills you need with training and practice. I don’t completely have the suck up skills either. But I don’t have nearly your mad photography skillz!