When it hits the fan, it really hits the fan

The night before last, I awoke to the stench of what I perceived to be a huge rancid fart. I know that SpyDad toots in his sleep, but this was definitely not human. I switched on the light and saw our big mutt next to me with his dairy air* pointed right at me. It was so bad that I jumped up and grabbed the air freshener. I sprayed more than is humanly necessary in our bedroom and got back into bed. It smelled as though the dog’s rancid fart was arranging a bouquet of flowers – and not in a good way.

After that I really didn’t sleep much, partly because of the particulates and partly because we are sleeping on a queen blowup bed until our house closing. I still smelled it yesterday morning when we woke up. SpyDad said he could smell it a little, but that pretty much means he’s still having sinus problems and couldn’t smell his way out of a skunk and methane filled bag.

He said, “Maybe one of the dogs pooped.” I replied, “No way, I checked. There is no poop on the carpet. I think one of them may have eaten a bird or something.” Phooey.

After SpyDad left for work, I walked around his side of the bed to check to weather at the window. Then I saw it.

The television remote was sitting on the floor in a puddle of liquefied poo just near the blow up bed frame. I ran to get our little carpet cleaner and promptly sucked it up. Then I looked under the bed.

Holy mother of diarrhea shits.

If I hadn’t seen the dogs that morning, I would have surely thought that one of them blew up under the blow up bed. Now hows that for irony? I pushed the bed to the side, unknowingly pushing it straight through one of the puddles. When I saw the shit storm, I realized that this was was no amateur job. I propped the bed up on its side, and started in with the carpet vac. The vaccuum is a lifesaver, but I know from experience that they have life spans. We’re on our second one, so when I felt a brown spray of shit on my leg coming from the blower, I knew it had sucked the last of our family’s carpet deposits.

GadgetGirl and I went to the store – after a quick shower of course. We bought some back-up pet formulated carpet cleaner and my new Dirt Devil Spot Scrubber and went to work.  After about an hour, I was satisfied that the brown stains would only be minimally noticeable by the new buyers.

So, as I told SpyDad about the ©Shitty Day I had, we heard a shriek from the playroom.  Now that I’m a SAHM/WAHM, we’ve really been working on GadgetGirl to knock out this potty training thing.  Pull ups are freakin’ expensive.  So, when I went to investigate the shriek, I found a little girl with no pull-ups on and a puddle on the carpet, 3 inches from the tile.

Dirl Devil Spot Scrubber to the rescue!

We’re still in the process of packing up our sh…stuff, so SpyDad and I had a bubble wrap session last night.  I have a lot of pictures frames.  You don’t realize how many picture frames you have until you have to pack them up.  And me, I have a sh…crapload.  So we packed, and I forget what commotion led me to the kitchen, but all I heard from the living room from SpyDad was, “WHAT IS THAT?”

Yes folks, it was another liquefied shit pile.

Dunt, dunt, dunt!

So, one of our dogs has a serious issue leading up to the banishment of all three of them to the backyard last night.  We think we know which one it is, and SpyDad woke up this morning with him on his mind.  He came back to bed after checking on them, and he said, “Whew, I was really worried about the little guy.”

At this point, I just hope the feces is done hitting the fan or else my Dirt Devil Spot Scrubber is going to retaliate, or worse yet, leave.

*Man, I love this misspelling.