An open letter to my dear Internets

Dear Internets,

I have not been avoiding you. Surely you must think that I have nothing to say, that perhaps routine got the best of me and I’m holed up inside watching Grey’s re-runs and eating chocolate covered cherries. Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad right now. In reality, I’m busy, but the crazy kinds of things that have been happening in my neck of the woods have made this the oddest two weeks of my life.

Let me count the ways.

Sunday night before Thanksgiving, I heard GadgetGirl crying in her room for us. It was accompanied by a horrific cough which I correctly diagnosed as croup. The invasion of croup required SpyDad to stay home with GadgetGirl that week and was also responsible for my freak-out brother and sister-in-law to avoid Thanksgiving altogether at my parents house. This, even after GadgetGirl’s cough had pretty much disappeared by then. The general consensus of the rest of the family is to not do them any more favors. This isn’t the first time they’ve been total shits.

Thanksgiving week also graced us with another medical scare when SpyGrandma complained of her left arm being numb. SpyDad’s RN sister lept to action and ensured that SpyGrandma was pricked and probed and held overnight until the doctor’s had no other choice to release her for being okay.

This past Monday at work started out so well. Within two hours of being there, all hell broke loose. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. An employee sneezed which resulted in the bloodiest nose I’ve ever seen. Another worker, upon seeing the unprecedented gore went to get some wipes for the nose bleeder and proceeded to clock herself in the eyebrow with a door. This injury was much less bloodier but required four stitches and four hours of our time. Whew, are the holidays over yet?

Then, as most of you know, we experienced our very first blizzard in this God-forsaken state I call home. The night before the blizzard, I tried to drive home in the freezing rain and sleet and made it about half a mile before I gave up. I ran into my new boss in the parking lot, and he drove me halfway home so that SpyDad and GadgetGirl could rescue me. Did I mention I drive 82 miles a day to get to work? That’s also why I stayed home on Friday without pay. Screw that and the snowman that blizzard flew in on.

Which leads me to the culmination of the past two weeks…last night! Yippee! After GadgetGirl’s bath last night, we were just about to put her to bed when she rounded the corner into her room and whacked her noggin on the door frame. She came waddling into the room performing her usual silent cry before the storm and I snatched her up and comforted her. She cried on my shoulder for a good minute when I finally looked down and my entire left shoulder was drenched in blood. Fun! The outside of her mouth was covered in blood and blood was coming from inside her mouth too. That bloody nose from earlier in the week was looking like a fender bender compared to this train wreck. Finally we calmed her down enough to see that she had split her upper lip straight down the middle. Given my prior experience with stitches earlier in the week, I knew that a trip to the ER was in order. Thank goodness that SpyDad remembered that the new hospital in town had just opened, so our trip over black ice to the ER was reduced from about an hour to 10 minutes. Yay!* Luckily, it wasn’t busy at all, and we were in and out in about an hour. Can you believe that? We also got out of stitches thanks to a lovely product called Dermabond which is produced by a former employer of mine. Yay Dermabond! Can you imagine how freaked out I was getting thinking about holding down my little girl while she fought me and the big bad doctor with the suture needle stuck in her lip? Oh yeah, we got out easy.

Well, there you have it folks. That’s one hell of an update. Hopefully the next few weeks are nothing like what just transpired for me. If not, I may just have to call in sick for the rest of the year.

Love,

Undercover Mutha

* I’ve also finished reading Kurt Vonnegut’s Hocus Pocus which explains all of the weird interjections. Man, I love Vonnegut.