The pursuit of Happyness

No matter how bad things get, I assure you that someone else’s problems are far greater*.

Last night, SpyDad and I caught a movie called “The Pursuit of Happyness” starring Will Smith. It’s the story of a man trying to do the right thing for his family and career whose decisions land him the role of a modern day Job. The entire movie had my stomach in knots. You want to reach into the screen and help him when he loses one thing after another. Somehow he finds a way to keep living, moving, breathing, dreaming.

I’ll admit that I felt hopeless during my first layoff that lasted four months and even times during my last layoff which lasted two months to the day. However I never felt that I was in danger of losing everything, my nice house and cars perhaps, but never the essentials of food, shelter, and clothing. I remember once when my mom was cleaning out some old records, she found a checkbook my parents used while my brother and I were still little kids. My brother looked through her transaction register and laughed, “Mom! You only had $13 in your checking account in January!” She laughed a little while we roared, but now I know how difficult it must have been for my mother and father to try to make it on next to nothing as a waitress and construction worker. It really wasn’t funny at all. I wish she would have told us so.

I’ve been thinking of the answer to the meaning of life since I was a teenager. Surely, there must be a simple answer to explain it all. As I watched my grandmother dying in her hospital bed of lung cancer when I was only fifteen, I thought I knew the answer. We counted her breaths per minute on a regular basis, and I watched her struggle some days and flourish on others. It came to me in her hospital room. The meaning of life was the will to live. She was fighting to live. She wanted so much to spend more time here on Earth. She wasn’t ready to pass on.

A lot of time has passed since that day, and I’m not so sure that the meaning of life is the will to live anymore. I dreamt about the Happyness movie last night, and I thought of all the themes running rampant in the movie. One thing stuck with me over and over: sacrifice. Will Smith’s character sacrificed everything to live a dream. Today’s youth has no idea what it’s like to sacrifice something, myself included. We give and give and give, hoping that giving them something we never had will make it better. But it won’t. Children expect things now instead of dreaming or hoping or earning. We are depriving them of what it means to sacrifice.

You may view that as a good thing. Lack of want could be the new right of passage. Maybe in the back of our minds we think that giving our children the latest iPod, cell phone, or Nintendo will somehow give them that extra foothold into the ranks of the upper class. They’ll have opportunities beyond their wildest dreams! Okay, so maybe that’s a stretch, but you still want your children to have the most opportunity available. However, I think that experience and a willingness to work for what you want has a lot to do with the opportunities provided to you. When you sacrifice something to reach that goal, the victory is all the more sweeter.

That’s another reason why I believe the crowd in the movie theatre clapped when the credits rolled.

*Loosely adapted from an Albert Einstein quote.

You’ve got mail

Have you ever received an email that you don’t think was intended for your eyes? And no, I’m not talking about en*larging your non-existent pe*niz or offers for low cost PhaRmaSOOticals! Those shouldn’t be intended for anyone’s eyes.

I received an email that I don’t think was intended for me a week ago Tuesday. It was from an old high school friend. I recently got back in touch with her when I found her email address on her high school’s website. We didn’t really hang in the same crowd, but we had the same advanced courses together. She was fairly popular, but I felt a little sorry for her because the kids she ran with were a bunch of back stabbing nitwits…and she wasn’t. I don’t think I’ve seen her since the last day of my sophomore year, but when we reconnected, it was if that time we spent growing up was only a blink in time.

She’s been married for six years now and teaches high school math and coaches basketball. She and her husband don’t have any children yet. She’s living the American woman’s dream: travelling and enjoying married life before adding to the headcount.

Her email started out innocently enough, “Hey, how are you? It’s been awhile…do you have your Christmas shopping done?” Then she dropped the bomb, “Well, I have something I need to tell you. We were three months pregnant…I woke up bleeding badly…went to the ER…lost the baby….devastated.”

I felt like in outsider looking in on a shattered moment in her life. I was speechless because I didn’t know what to say to a person that’s done years of living her own life since I last saw her. Surely, she must have sent it in error? It was signed “love and miss you.” We weren’t even on those terms back then although the woman in me now has no problem returning those words.

So many thoughts raced through my head. Perhaps I’m the only one of her friends with small children? I know that she’s living in a new town about two or three hours from where we grew up. In past emails, I told her about GadgetGirl and some of her exploits. Perhaps she felt as though I’d understand just by being a mother. But I don’t. I have no idea what it’s like to feel that kind of pain.

She asked for prayers, and I wrote her back saying I would do just that. That’s one thing that the mother in me knows how to do for sure.

I can’t handle a new year

…because I don’t think I gave this past one everything I had.  Or maybe I did, and there’s nothing left?

I’ve got seven minutes to shoot something out before my guilt meter trips because GadgetGirl’s been napping for four hours, and I’ve been out in the shop fooling around on the computer.  Man it feels good to goof.  I haven’t been doing anything else but working and sleeping…oh, and A WHOLE LOT of eating.

Merry belated Christmas to all!

This time, I’m so very, very glad that it’s finally over.  I spent more money than I wanted to because I had about two opportunities of approximately one hour each to go out and rape the holiday sales.  Hmmm, rape doesn’t sound very nice and Christmas-y does it?  Feel free to leave better suggestions in the comments.

Four minutes to go, people.  Four minutes!

A lady at worked talked me into setting up an angel tree for the single income families at work.  It turned out really well, but with twenty-six kiddos on the tree, it turned into a whole lot more work than I bargained for.  Sheesh.  Then there was the parent that fibbed and thought it would be funny to put in a slip for her granddaughter.  Nope, she didn’t get fired – not my employee.  I don’t know what’s worse though…fibbing…or quitting after you’ve submitted your four children.  Luckily, I was able to redistribute the gifts to other children.  I did my best, but I really hope that 17-year-old girl likes Hot Wheels and Sponge  Bob.

One minute and counting!

I get this entire week off, so I’m hoping to churn out something more meaningful than this crap shoot.  I really do wish you all the happiest of holidays and a much better New Year!

The best for now

If there’s one thing that I’ve learned after four weeks in my new job, it’s that supervising employees is a lot like babysitting a pack of rabid hyenas. They would just as soon chew your throat out as thank you for bringing in doughnuts for Saturday’s shift. God love ‘em.

I’m just doing the best I can for now.

I’ve also experienced an unintended side effect of this position. It’s forced me to grow up, and fast. I’m counselling or disciplining people old enough to be my grandfather or grandmother, and it’s unbelievably daunting. I’ve learned more about my employees’ health and personal life than I have about their work performance. In reality, I just want to be silly and crack jokes. I don’t want to have to tell people not to talk about certain things because they offend others and learn that their spouse or close family member has serious heart problems or terminal cancer.

Such is life, I suppose. Have I said that I’m just doing the best I can for now? Oh, yes. I did, didn’t I?

The house is eerily quiet because SpyDad and GadgetGirl went to visit the SpyGrandparents today. I’ll join them tomorrow. Although the house is quiet, it is certainly not clean. The dust and cobwebs have been there so long that they now know my name and whisper my name at night, often while I’m sleeping. SpyDad is getting upset because he jolts awake when I yell, “Shut the eff up!” He must think I’m telling him to stop snoring.

He doesn’t snore.

I’ve got a stack of Christmas cards that I’m halfway through addressing. I thought I’d cheat this year and buy some cards and pictures of GadgetGirl and Santa at the local grocery store. It was cheap and easy, but I’m not really pleased with them. I meant to do a family shot, but we never had the time. For those that know I’m into photography, it’s kind of embarrassing. I suppose it might help me to get my crap together next year. Forget the cobwebs for now, it’s all about the perfect Christmas photo for next year. I think I may have to start in July if this keeps up any longer.

An open letter to my dear Internets

Dear Internets,

I have not been avoiding you. Surely you must think that I have nothing to say, that perhaps routine got the best of me and I’m holed up inside watching Grey’s re-runs and eating chocolate covered cherries. Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad right now. In reality, I’m busy, but the crazy kinds of things that have been happening in my neck of the woods have made this the oddest two weeks of my life.

Let me count the ways.

Sunday night before Thanksgiving, I heard GadgetGirl crying in her room for us. It was accompanied by a horrific cough which I correctly diagnosed as croup. The invasion of croup required SpyDad to stay home with GadgetGirl that week and was also responsible for my freak-out brother and sister-in-law to avoid Thanksgiving altogether at my parents house. This, even after GadgetGirl’s cough had pretty much disappeared by then. The general consensus of the rest of the family is to not do them any more favors. This isn’t the first time they’ve been total shits.

Thanksgiving week also graced us with another medical scare when SpyGrandma complained of her left arm being numb. SpyDad’s RN sister lept to action and ensured that SpyGrandma was pricked and probed and held overnight until the doctor’s had no other choice to release her for being okay.

This past Monday at work started out so well. Within two hours of being there, all hell broke loose. I’ve never seen so much blood in my life. An employee sneezed which resulted in the bloodiest nose I’ve ever seen. Another worker, upon seeing the unprecedented gore went to get some wipes for the nose bleeder and proceeded to clock herself in the eyebrow with a door. This injury was much less bloodier but required four stitches and four hours of our time. Whew, are the holidays over yet?

Then, as most of you know, we experienced our very first blizzard in this God-forsaken state I call home. The night before the blizzard, I tried to drive home in the freezing rain and sleet and made it about half a mile before I gave up. I ran into my new boss in the parking lot, and he drove me halfway home so that SpyDad and GadgetGirl could rescue me. Did I mention I drive 82 miles a day to get to work? That’s also why I stayed home on Friday without pay. Screw that and the snowman that blizzard flew in on.

Which leads me to the culmination of the past two weeks…last night! Yippee! After GadgetGirl’s bath last night, we were just about to put her to bed when she rounded the corner into her room and whacked her noggin on the door frame. She came waddling into the room performing her usual silent cry before the storm and I snatched her up and comforted her. She cried on my shoulder for a good minute when I finally looked down and my entire left shoulder was drenched in blood. Fun! The outside of her mouth was covered in blood and blood was coming from inside her mouth too. That bloody nose from earlier in the week was looking like a fender bender compared to this train wreck. Finally we calmed her down enough to see that she had split her upper lip straight down the middle. Given my prior experience with stitches earlier in the week, I knew that a trip to the ER was in order. Thank goodness that SpyDad remembered that the new hospital in town had just opened, so our trip over black ice to the ER was reduced from about an hour to 10 minutes. Yay!* Luckily, it wasn’t busy at all, and we were in and out in about an hour. Can you believe that? We also got out of stitches thanks to a lovely product called Dermabond which is produced by a former employer of mine. Yay Dermabond! Can you imagine how freaked out I was getting thinking about holding down my little girl while she fought me and the big bad doctor with the suture needle stuck in her lip? Oh yeah, we got out easy.

Well, there you have it folks. That’s one hell of an update. Hopefully the next few weeks are nothing like what just transpired for me. If not, I may just have to call in sick for the rest of the year.

Love,

Undercover Mutha

* I’ve also finished reading Kurt Vonnegut’s Hocus Pocus which explains all of the weird interjections. Man, I love Vonnegut.