Two wheeling

Yesterday I spent all day editing photos and then decided it was time to take time for myself. I had two Blingo movie tickets burning a hole in my pocket, so I went to see “Man of the Year” with Robin Williams. I’m saving the other one for next month when Will Ferrell’s “Stranger than Fiction” comes out.

I sat in the somewhat sparse theatre and observed my surroundings as one does on a night out alone on the town. Right before the movie began, I noticed a woman and a young girl in a wheelchair arrive and sit in the handicap section two rows ahead of me. The girl chose her spot next to the woman’s chair when the woman suddenly stood and directed her to the other side of the handicapped row. “What in the hell is that woman doing? Surely she’s not embarrassed to be seen with her. Maybe she’s just got bad gas.”

Minutes later, a group of three people came into the theater led by a boy in another wheelchair. This boy was different, though. His wheelchair was much larger, and he had a breathing tube trailing from his windpipe down his chest. His arms were unnaturally curled with paralysis and muscle atrophy. He took the spot that the girl orginally chose next to the woman.

During the movie previews, I studied the back of his chair. The green and red LED’s on the equipment facing me were hypnotic. The digits in red etched into my brain: 50, 0.1, 60. I watched a horizontal green LED shoot to the right and fall back as if he were his very own stereo equalizer listening to soft rock. Except the green bar was timing his breathing, in and out, in and out. Soon my own breaths synchronized with his and my chest tightened.

What must it be like to have a child who would die if this chair didn’t breathe for him, and a child who would be immobile for the same life saving device?

It’s amazing how lucky we are to live in these times. Sometimes I wish for simpler times, for less crowding and crime, anger and road rage. Perhaps I would thrive if the year were 1850 instead of 2006. But I dismiss it from my mind because there are too many benefits and rights and freedoms that we have become so accustomed to that we take them for granted.

I can vote.

I can own property.

I can receive an education past high school.

I can say anything I want and know it is protected by free speech.

I can choose to practice or not practice the religion of my choice.

I can take my child to the hospital and expect lifesaving treatment.

Yep, it appears that my Thanksgiving came early this year thanks to one little boy and his wheelchair.  Pass me a drumstick, would you?

Marketing Miracle

A week-and-a-half ago, I walked back into my church with two intentions: to play board games with other women and to post a flyer with my phone number on it.

The flyer said:

High School Seniors!

I need your help! I’m trying to build my photo portfolio, so the first 5 seniors that respond will get a free sitting fee and photos!

A week later, someone called. We set up a date for today for them to come by the studio and then head out to a local park. I spent most of the day cleaning a house they never stepped into. Hey, I should take pictures, huh?

I was absolutely nervous about the whole deal, but the daughter and her mom turned out to be really fun. I’d show them a couple photos I took on the digital camera, and they’d ooh and ahhh. “Mom, I want to get all of them!” Talk about the best way to get your photographer to grin.

Nevermind the fact that most of them turned out blurry when I finally got to see them on my computer. That damn Nikon, she lies! I still love her, though. It’s okay, out of 200 shots, I should have a few non-blurry ones for them to choose from.

So, the moral of this story is that it’s okay to step outside of your comfort zone and take risks. A free ad might lead to more business (cross fingers, toes, and eyes!). And I’ve never had so much fun taking a risk before in my life.

Poisonwood Prayers

I’ve been reading “The Poisonwood Bible” by Barbara Kingsolver for the past week or so. I have to pace myself reading it, or else I’d never go to bed. It’s helped me out on a few occasions when the insomnia hits at 3 in the morning, though.

The premise of the story is that a family of six moves to the African Congo as missionaries from a Baptist church in Georgia. The interesting part is that the four children are all girls and all about as different as you can get. I think that deep down I love reading and learning about Africa. It’s a forgotten country. We “forgot” about the Rwandans, and now those in Darfur are being forgotten for the same reason. It’s a scary place to think about when you’re used to getting in your brand new car and driving down the road to pay for a cart full of groceries with a check card backed by more money in the bank than those people see in a lifetime. We don’t know hunger or pain or AIDS or suffering or death like they do. What seems like a problem to us pales in comparison to what everyone is going through an ocean away. Perhaps it’s just easier to forget.

I’m about a quarter through the book, and one passage keeps haunting me and calling out to me over and over. I’m not really sure yet if the author hates Christianity or embraces it. However, the conversation between the pastor missionary and his daughter spoke to me.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, and the Lord delivers him out of them all. But you know, Leah, sometimes He doesn’t deliver us out of our hardships but through them.

I immediately thought of Susie, and her quest to discover the cure for the WTF disease. I thought about the various miscarriages, financial situations, dying loved ones, and emotionally abused wives around blogland that I’ve learned about over the course of almost two years. Did God leave them when they needed him the most? It’s frightening how these things go on every day and yet we still find a way to get through them. If we never had the capability to cope, our species would have died out long ago.

I know a few of the people who read this don’t believe in a God, and that’s fine with me. It always has been. I love you all the same, and I would never ask you to change. However, the thing that’s allowed me to get through the past month-and-a-half of being unemployed with more courage and confidence than I ever thought possible was through faith. The first or second night after being let go, I cried and cried and prayed and prayed some more. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle a blow like this alone, so I asked God to carry the burden for me. I immediately felt tremendous relief and peace. I knew it was going to be different this time around.

He carried me throught this low time, and yesterday my prayer was answered. The funding came through, and I have a job offer. There are a couple of not so great things about the job, but it also pays a little more than my last job. I’m still a candidate for the other position I’ve mentioned in the past, so I’ll know soon if I have two offers to choose from.

I wasn’t always a believer, and today, more than ever, I’m proud to say that I am.

Pretzels with cheese

I bit the bullet on Friday and called the headhunter for CompanyB because I hadn’t heard from them since they requested 10 references from me two weeks ago. I figured that “no news was good news,” but after two weeks, you tend to start doubting yourself.

The headhunter called me this morning and told me that the company was looking to interview some more candidates for the position. Ahhhhhh, finally the truth comes out. Except they aren’t interviewing any candidates because the headhunter hasn’t found any…just me and another guy that CompanyB rejected. So I can look at this as a good thing because I’m the #1 candidate, or a bad thing because this could drag on for weeks or even months. I don’t have that kind of time, people!

My insomnia is back. Last night my thoughts raced because I had a problem that started last week with my unemployment claims that led me to believe that I may not be able to receive anything. But I called today, and after 30 minutes on hold, it’s all good now. It’s a good thing that I’m unemployed or else I wouldn’t have that kind of time to spend on hold, huh?

My mind has also started to drift into thoughts of having another baby. Before I was axed, we planned to start in March. I just don’t know anymore. It complicates things so much, and when I think about paying $12,000 a year for childcare for two kids, my stomach turns into pretzels knots with cheese.

I like cheese. Leave me and my silly metaphors alone.

I just keep hoping and praying that I’ll be back to work soon. I need to get out of this house and stop daydreaming about spending money we don’t have. I’ll be damned if Undercover Baby #2 is going to have a crazed mother with cabin fever.

Good news, Bad news

The phone rang this morning as I was readying GadgetGirl’s leftover plate of pizza and french fries in the microwave.

Mutha: “Hello?”

CoA: “Mutha, this is CompanyA calling. I’m so sorry I haven’t got back to you. I have some good news and some bad news for you about the job you interviewed for.”

Mutha: Dear God, what on Earth is the bad news? I mean, this phone call, this is a good thing. Maybe the bad news is that I have to wear a thong to work. Hoo boy. That would be bad.

CoA: “The good news is that we would like to offer you the position.”

Mutha: Not really paying attention because she hears angels singing…or maybe it’s just the microwave beeping.

CoA: “The bad news is that we really don’t have the funding for the position yet, and my boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss’ boss has to sign off on it. (Seriously, there were a lot of bosses in his sentence). So, it could be tomorrow or two months until we can give you the real offer.

Mutha: “I’m sorry, did you say something? When do I start?”

CoA: “Mutha, are you alright? I smell something burning.”

Okay, so I really didn’t say that last bit, and I didn’t burn anything in my microwave. But still, this is huge! This is hope! This is why I had to turn down the Guest Tie position. I’m humbled, and a little bit numbled. Confidence sure proved to be a winner this go around. Yippee!

Excuse me. I’m dancing on air (but I’m not quite ready to buy new dancing shoes quite yet).

Tongue wagging

Keep telling yourself, “It’s for charity.”

1 mo + 1 d

Well, I did it. I made it a month of being laid off, and rose from the ashes with my daughter’s ponytail firmly in hand. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not because I’d rather be employed after a month, but if I’ve got everything together and connected (except that dreaded ponytail), then I’m doing okay.

The events that have unfolded during the past month in the media have done nothing to help me. Children were assaulted and killed in their schools. North Korea dropped a bomb. New York relived 9/11 all over again…and then again. Dooce admitted that she’s depressed again.

Depression. It’s a funny little bugger. Not funny “ha ha” but funny “why the f*uck are you on my doorstep, I told you to never come back here again!” I can feel little bits of me trying to throw a pity party every once in awhile, but I stave it off best I can. I sleep more than I should, and my horrid house isn’t cleaning itself. I rarely attend church unless it’s when we go visit SpyDad’s parents. I haven’t worked out since the first week I was laid off. I’m tired all the damn time.

I’ve gotten some very encouraging and thorough emails, and I thank you for that. I’ve still got some to respond to, but I don’t feel like I’m in the right frame of mind. Something doesn’t feel right or the same. Maybe I’m losing my humor. I’m not sure. For now, I’ll just blame in on PMS.

Yesterday, I had more energy than I’ve had in a long time. I knew that today was going to be hella cold, so I took GadgetGirl to the park. We had a sour grape smoothie on the way home. I took her to Wednesday night church, too. I saw people I hadn’t seen in ages, and they welcomed me with open arms, i.e. lots of hugs. I deposited her in the nursery, and headed off to a women’s group where they play games. I’m so glad I got out. I met new people and reconnected with old friends. Nevermind the fact that GadgetGirl was brought to me 15 minutes later, red faced and teary eyed. She was welcomed to the group as well (even if she did steal the game pieces).

I suppose now that I can see it as a rebirth. I changed my attitude by changing my surroundings. Others are dealing with the past month and reclaiming their lives. The Amish razed the tiny schoolhouse that held so much sorrow and tragedy. Sometimes we just need to wipe the slate clean and start over.

Normal

Sometimes you think you have it all together. You think that you’re normal like everyone else. You buy things from the same stores, you eat the same food, and you drive the same cars. You go to work or stay home caring for your children each and every day during the week. You daydream about the weekend when 7am Monday rolls around, even though the prior weekend was just a blur. Did you really do anything or get anything accomplished? You make dinner every night, or get take out, or go to a nice restaurant. You have your nightly bedtime rituals, maybe some blog surfing, or book reading, or bathing the kids.

WHEN SOMETHING SNAPS AS YOU GENTLY LEAN YOUR DAUGHTER BACK INTO THE WATER TO RINSE HER HAIR AND WITHOUT THINKING YOU GRAB A PAIR OF SCISSORS FROM THE DRAWER AND

Cut it off…while laughing hysterically because you didn’t even discuss it with your husband beforehand. I mean, you discussed it, but he said he loved her hair and wasn’t too keen on it. But sometimes, the crust and boogers that get tangled up in that long hair get to be too much for one woman to handle. You see your daughter try to deal with the hair that falls over her face when it’s down and you wonder, “Why the hell are we putting up with this long hair crap?. Sure it’s pretty, but enough is enough.”

Yes, I need a job. Yes, I have yet to receive any offers. Soon, baby, soon. Keep your fingers crossed.

Turkemergency

Want to know what’s not my idea of fun?

Hauling a freezer’s worth of pork chops, arm roasts, hamburger, and bacon across my yard in GadgetGirl’s Radio Flyer wagon at the exact moment I’m supposed to be picking her up but can’t because the damn fridge in the shop is about one frayed wire away from catching on fire and burning the place down.

Yeah, definitely not my idea of fun.

Posted in Q&A. 9 Comments »

Time to check the sofa cushions

For the past week-and-a-half, I’ve spent my mornings staring blurry eyed at pictures of racks. Nope, not deer racks nor spice racks…tatas, gazongas, melons, headlights. It’s all for charity, dude.

In the beginning, I was a pre-teen all over again. You wouldn’t believe the shapes and sizes that boobies come in. I would nervously check the door to make sure nobody intruded upon my charitible acts, because hey, who wants their mommy to come in and see that? This blog is still a secret. I haven’t told anyone about it, friends or family, and I like it that way. I can say whatever I want and when I want. It’s refreshing actually.

Back to the boobs. After a week-and-a-half, the nipples are starting to look all alike, and the mounds of skin are starting to mush together in my mind. The thing that keeps me coming back isn’t the sexual gratification that one might get from the photos, but the fact that some of the women have already survived breast cancer and others will develop it during their lifetime.  I’ve ready Sharkey’s story and Dori’s story, and it’s enough to make you want to run into the streets yelling, “FUCK CANCER!” to anyone that will listen.

I believe in hope.  I believe in a cure.   I believe that you have some change hanging out in the sofa cushions that needs a purpose.  If you haven’t already done it, please donate today.